Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
blessed.
from Oct 22
Me: i got blessed by a tibetan monk last time i was in canada
Bird Doctor::
That's really awesome
Me: oh lord
9:40 PM
well, actually
the tibetan monk thing
Bird Doctor:: You made it up, didn't you
Me: was part of this wandering exhibit of buddhist relics
ok, get this
Bird Doctor:: I see where this is gooing
A monk in a wax museum.
Me: when a big important spiritual leader in the buddhist faith- whatever the tibetan sect of that is
Bird Doctor:: Tracy in a monk-costume..
Me: no!!!
this is real!!!
9:41 PM
when one of the dudes dies
Bird Doctor:: sorry. attending
Me: he's cremated and they go through the ashes and find these "relics"
and they look like little stones
like gems kind of
and they have them
traveling around
i mean they travel with them
and display them
and they have them in little cases
9:42 PM
and you purify a statue (symbolic for yourself) with this yellow blessed safron water (looks like pee)
and you look at these like... ash stones (one of which was donated by the dalai lama and came from the original buddha, i guess)
and then you go to this monk guy
who has some of the relics in this like
golden dildo
and he puts it on your head
and mumbles words you don't understand
9:43 PM
and for me it seemed like he went way long with the mumbles
and after i was, to tracie, i was like "man, he spent a long time on me it seemed- i wonder if he detected my gayness"
and she laughed for like 15 minutes
9:44 PM
and the whole thing is all about like promoting metta (loving-kindness), but also the donations go to building this giant buddha statue in india or something
and that just makes me think of that quote about god waiting for his kingdom to be build of love, but man only brings stones
but it gave me a lot of inspiration for my thesis
9:45 PM
and tracie and i had a big fight that night, so so much for loving-kindness
Bird Doctor:: You crack me up.
Me: i got blessed by a tibetan monk last time i was in canada
Bird Doctor::
That's really awesome
Me: oh lord
9:40 PM
well, actually
the tibetan monk thing
Bird Doctor:: You made it up, didn't you
Me: was part of this wandering exhibit of buddhist relics
ok, get this
Bird Doctor:: I see where this is gooing
A monk in a wax museum.
Me: when a big important spiritual leader in the buddhist faith- whatever the tibetan sect of that is
Bird Doctor:: Tracy in a monk-costume..
Me: no!!!
this is real!!!
9:41 PM
when one of the dudes dies
Bird Doctor:: sorry. attending
Me: he's cremated and they go through the ashes and find these "relics"
and they look like little stones
like gems kind of
and they have them
traveling around
i mean they travel with them
and display them
and they have them in little cases
9:42 PM
and you purify a statue (symbolic for yourself) with this yellow blessed safron water (looks like pee)
and you look at these like... ash stones (one of which was donated by the dalai lama and came from the original buddha, i guess)
and then you go to this monk guy
who has some of the relics in this like
golden dildo
and he puts it on your head
and mumbles words you don't understand
9:43 PM
and for me it seemed like he went way long with the mumbles
and after i was, to tracie, i was like "man, he spent a long time on me it seemed- i wonder if he detected my gayness"
and she laughed for like 15 minutes
9:44 PM
and the whole thing is all about like promoting metta (loving-kindness), but also the donations go to building this giant buddha statue in india or something
and that just makes me think of that quote about god waiting for his kingdom to be build of love, but man only brings stones
but it gave me a lot of inspiration for my thesis
9:45 PM
and tracie and i had a big fight that night, so so much for loving-kindness
Bird Doctor:: You crack me up.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
orthostatic hypertension
I've been getting these head rushes every time I stand up. It's been going on for about 6 or 7 months. I think most people have had this experience at one time or another, but I have it a few times a day, especially if I get out of a hot bath. My peripheral vision can go fuzzy, and sometimes nearly everything goes dark. It doesn't last very long, but it can be very strange. Just now I got out of the bathtub and I had to hold onto the door frame waiting for my blood pressure to normalize. All i could do was look at the floor. It looked like this...

As you know or can imagine, there's not a lot you can think about at these moments, but once you've got your blood right, maybe thoughts occur to you, sort of euphoric thoughts. This time i looked at my bathroom that I've had forever, my yellow towel that I've had even longer, and my feet that I've had for even longer than that. It occurred to me that this is all that there's ever been. My feet and my towel and my bathroom. And all that other shit that I've been compulsively thinking about- particularly a recent loss- what was that, really? Why is that more real, more pressing, more necessary to think about than my yellow towel, which i use every day, which has outlasted all the hardships and joys of my adult life, and which will see me through many more years.
And in a more immediate sense, in the zen sense, there was my towel, my floor, my feet. That's all. And I really felt it for that moment. And it was a great comfort to me. Or something that subverted the need for comfort. Obviously it passed, since I had to hold on to that moment by writing about it. Standing up has become a fucking adventure, though. One time I simultaneously stood and stretched my arms above my head, and i fainted.

As you know or can imagine, there's not a lot you can think about at these moments, but once you've got your blood right, maybe thoughts occur to you, sort of euphoric thoughts. This time i looked at my bathroom that I've had forever, my yellow towel that I've had even longer, and my feet that I've had for even longer than that. It occurred to me that this is all that there's ever been. My feet and my towel and my bathroom. And all that other shit that I've been compulsively thinking about- particularly a recent loss- what was that, really? Why is that more real, more pressing, more necessary to think about than my yellow towel, which i use every day, which has outlasted all the hardships and joys of my adult life, and which will see me through many more years.
And in a more immediate sense, in the zen sense, there was my towel, my floor, my feet. That's all. And I really felt it for that moment. And it was a great comfort to me. Or something that subverted the need for comfort. Obviously it passed, since I had to hold on to that moment by writing about it. Standing up has become a fucking adventure, though. One time I simultaneously stood and stretched my arms above my head, and i fainted.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
this is the kind of shit i blog about
I was in the ER a month ago waiting for four hours to get my head checked out because an old lady tried to kill me with her car. My friend Cassidy came to wait with me and interested me in buying some chips from the vending machine there. These were doritos, but not ordinary doritos, because they came in a black bag. A black bag of mystery and majesty for i soon found out that they were the greatest of all doritos. In fact, they were the greatest of all possible chips. They were doritos late night last call jalapeño popper chips, and ever since then I thought I wouldn't be able to find them again without suffering a ER-worthy disease or injury.
HOWEVER! I found a bag today at the dairy-mart in german village, and for that reason I am staving off suicide another day or two.
I'm not really suicidal. Relax.
HOWEVER! I found a bag today at the dairy-mart in german village, and for that reason I am staving off suicide another day or two.
I'm not really suicidal. Relax.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
car shoppers
4:58 PM
Mrs. Beef: you you you
me: me me me
5:00 PM
Mrs. Beef: i i i !
me: whooooooooooooooooooooop
Mrs. Beef: so how long you gonna be in t?
me: i don't know, i haven't gotten a car yet
if i get one, thursday and friday
5:01 PM
Mrs. Beef: wow, what you looking at?
5:02 PM
me: cheap ones
Mrs. Beef: well that doesn't help!
me: cheap shitty shit ones
5:06 PM
Mrs. Beef: like a yugo?
me: like a corvere
corvair
Mrs. Beef: get a delorean
me: those are expensive!
5:07 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/DeLorean-STAGE-II-DMC-12-STAGE-II-AUTOMATIC-REMANUFACTURED-IN-2005-BY-DMC_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem25571a175dQQitemZ160375117661QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks
not really
5:08 PM
me: yeysyeysyes
Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Other-Makes-Yugo-GVL-gvl-Nick-and-Norahs-Infinite-Playlist-1988-Yugo-NO-RESERVE_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem3357038982QQitemZ220503181698QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks
really cheap!
5:10 PM
http://www.auto-classics.net/files/79ElCamino.jpg
5:11 PM
me: http://upload.moldova.org/auto/Nissan/Nissan_Micra_Barbie_Car.jpg
Mrs. Beef: *pukes
me: http://www.gearfuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/ford_021c_1-500x333.jpg
5:12 PM
http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/04/air-car-1.jpg
Mrs. Beef: i thnk i found the Shadoobie!
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z23/shah-ber-naq/weird-car-wings.jpg
me: holy shit
5:13 PM
this is the one i really want
http://wwwcache.wral.com/asset/news/news_briefs/2009/09/03/5930649/IMG_0366-600x370.jpg
5:14 PM
i hope they let me test drive it first
Mrs. Beef: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eYuBnGdWJ8s/R8E4kQMXSVI/AAAAAAAAAHw/Bt2wmnxyk9g/s400/24.jpeg might want to have a mechanic check this one first before buying
me: this one's my second choice
http://citizented.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/shit_car.jpg
5:15 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://www.guzer.com/pictures/weird_car_wreck.jpg this one has a couple dings, but i bet the engine is still great
me: this is the car i've always dreamed of
http://r2v2.com/smart-car-frame2.jpg
5:16 PM
Mrs. Beef: pretty
very existential
me: this one has such low mileage! like it's never been driven!
http://www.chinatraderonline.com/Files/Gifts-and-Crafts/Clock/Desk-Clock/Steering-wheel-Clock-21571115120.jpg
5:18 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://rightproadvisors.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/horse-drawn-car1.jpg
me: oh i bet the inssurance for that one would be very low
5:19 PM
Mrs. Beef: so low.
me: i've also been looking into some european options
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jun2007/GrandPrixRollerBlades.jpg
5:20 PM
i think if i act fast, i can have this one paid off by 2015 http://www.york.ac.uk/depts/maths/histstat/people/bayes_grave.gif
5:21 PM
Mrs. Beef: hm, that one looks like a death trap.
me: this one comes in new OR used
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xPRJcY91HB4/SVjlbD76HbI/AAAAAAAAAHM/KVyuaB6gUWg/s400/tiger-and-piglets-two.jpg
5:22 PM
Mrs. Beef: i forgot to tell you
me: also a japanese choice
http://www.mariowiki.com/images/thumb/d/d6/MKwii_Redshell.jpg/200px-MKwii_Redshell.jpg
Mrs. Beef: we're dating again
http://lifeboat.com/images/sad.lady.jpg
5:23 PM
me: oh, that's good
we should go on a double date
i just met my future wife
http://broadcatching.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/teabag-cox.jpg
5:24 PM
here's us on sweetest day
http://www.motorcyclenews.com/ImgGalleryTn/11/329111/86308_287722.jpg
Mrs. Beef: i totally had to dump my previous gf for her.
5:25 PM
http://www.davidchatt.com/web_images/Blog/2007/oct/bali/lady.jpg
5:26 PM
me: you know this may be surprising to you
but i finally made the transition to dating men last week
this is my boyfreind
http://www.mengsbizarreadventure.com/uploads/Albino.jpg
his name is Rod
Mrs. Beef: i had to drop this one, because she was too much into PDA http://www.rafahtoday.org/newsphotos/07/october/20/palestinian%20lady%20weeping.jpg
asian! i like. you know i like.
i mean, i rike.
5:27 PM
me: i've been seeing this sweet young honey on the side
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2389/1658601143_9ad118482f.jpg
Mrs. Beef: mmmm i'm stealin' her
5:28 PM
me: this is my favourite fucking game ever
i laughed my fuck sack off
Mrs. Beef: hahahah
5:29 PM
mine too
me: i want to put it on my blog
Mrs. Beef: you you you
me: me me me
5:00 PM
Mrs. Beef: i i i !
me: whooooooooooooooooooooop
Mrs. Beef: so how long you gonna be in t?
me: i don't know, i haven't gotten a car yet
if i get one, thursday and friday
5:01 PM
Mrs. Beef: wow, what you looking at?
5:02 PM
me: cheap ones
Mrs. Beef: well that doesn't help!
me: cheap shitty shit ones
5:06 PM
Mrs. Beef: like a yugo?
me: like a corvere
corvair
Mrs. Beef: get a delorean
me: those are expensive!
5:07 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/DeLorean-STAGE-II-DMC-12-STAGE-II-AUTOMATIC-REMANUFACTURED-IN-2005-BY-DMC_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem25571a175dQQitemZ160375117661QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks
not really
5:08 PM
me: yeysyeysyes
Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Other-Makes-Yugo-GVL-gvl-Nick-and-Norahs-Infinite-Playlist-1988-Yugo-NO-RESERVE_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem3357038982QQitemZ220503181698QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks
really cheap!
5:10 PM
http://www.auto-classics.net/files/79ElCamino.jpg
5:11 PM
me: http://upload.moldova.org/auto/Nissan/Nissan_Micra_Barbie_Car.jpg
Mrs. Beef: *pukes
me: http://www.gearfuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/ford_021c_1-500x333.jpg
5:12 PM
http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/04/air-car-1.jpg
Mrs. Beef: i thnk i found the Shadoobie!
http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z23/shah-ber-naq/weird-car-wings.jpg
me: holy shit
5:13 PM
this is the one i really want
http://wwwcache.wral.com/asset/news/news_briefs/2009/09/03/5930649/IMG_0366-600x370.jpg
5:14 PM
i hope they let me test drive it first
Mrs. Beef: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eYuBnGdWJ8s/R8E4kQMXSVI/AAAAAAAAAHw/Bt2wmnxyk9g/s400/24.jpeg might want to have a mechanic check this one first before buying
me: this one's my second choice
http://citizented.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/shit_car.jpg
5:15 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://www.guzer.com/pictures/weird_car_wreck.jpg this one has a couple dings, but i bet the engine is still great
me: this is the car i've always dreamed of
http://r2v2.com/smart-car-frame2.jpg
5:16 PM
Mrs. Beef: pretty
very existential
me: this one has such low mileage! like it's never been driven!
http://www.chinatraderonline.com/Files/Gifts-and-Crafts/Clock/Desk-Clock/Steering-wheel-Clock-21571115120.jpg
5:18 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://rightproadvisors.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/horse-drawn-car1.jpg
me: oh i bet the inssurance for that one would be very low
5:19 PM
Mrs. Beef: so low.
me: i've also been looking into some european options
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jun2007/GrandPrixRollerBlades.jpg
5:20 PM
i think if i act fast, i can have this one paid off by 2015 http://www.york.ac.uk/depts/maths/histstat/people/bayes_grave.gif
5:21 PM
Mrs. Beef: hm, that one looks like a death trap.
me: this one comes in new OR used
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xPRJcY91HB4/SVjlbD76HbI/AAAAAAAAAHM/KVyuaB6gUWg/s400/tiger-and-piglets-two.jpg
5:22 PM
Mrs. Beef: i forgot to tell you
me: also a japanese choice
http://www.mariowiki.com/images/thumb/d/d6/MKwii_Redshell.jpg/200px-MKwii_Redshell.jpg
Mrs. Beef: we're dating again
http://lifeboat.com/images/sad.lady.jpg
5:23 PM
me: oh, that's good
we should go on a double date
i just met my future wife
http://broadcatching.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/teabag-cox.jpg
5:24 PM
here's us on sweetest day
http://www.motorcyclenews.com/ImgGalleryTn/11/329111/86308_287722.jpg
Mrs. Beef: i totally had to dump my previous gf for her.
5:25 PM
http://www.davidchatt.com/web_images/Blog/2007/oct/bali/lady.jpg
5:26 PM
me: you know this may be surprising to you
but i finally made the transition to dating men last week
this is my boyfreind
http://www.mengsbizarreadventure.com/uploads/Albino.jpg
his name is Rod
Mrs. Beef: i had to drop this one, because she was too much into PDA http://www.rafahtoday.org/newsphotos/07/october/20/palestinian%20lady%20weeping.jpg
asian! i like. you know i like.
i mean, i rike.
5:27 PM
me: i've been seeing this sweet young honey on the side
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2389/1658601143_9ad118482f.jpg
Mrs. Beef: mmmm i'm stealin' her
5:28 PM
me: this is my favourite fucking game ever
i laughed my fuck sack off
Mrs. Beef: hahahah
5:29 PM
mine too
me: i want to put it on my blog
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
moving right along
A R Ammons is my favorite.
Rapids
Fall's leaves are redder than
spring's flowers, have no pollen,
and also sometimes fly, as the wind
schools them out or down in shoals
or droves: though I
have not been here long, I can
look up at the sky at night and tell
how things are likely to go for
the next hundred million years:
the universe will probably not find
a way to vanish nor I
in all that time reappear.
Rogue Elephant
The reason to be autonomous is to stand there,
a cleared instrument, ready to act, to search
the moral realm and actual conditions for what
needs to be done and to do it: fine, the
best, if it works out, but if, like a gun, it
comes in handy to the wrong choice, why then
you see the danger in the effective: better
then an autonomy that stands and looks about,
negotiating nothing, the supreme indifferences:
is anything to be gained where as much is lost:
and if for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction has the loss been researched
equally with the gain: you can see how the
milling actions of millions could come to a
buzzard-like glide as from a coincidental,
warm bottom of water stuck between chilled
peaks: it is not so easy to say, OK, go on
out and act: who, doing what, to what or
whom: just a minute: should the bunker be
bombed (if it stores gas): should all the
rattlers die just because they rattle: if I
hear the young gentleman vomiter roaring down
the hall in the men's room, should I go and
inquire of him, reducing him to my care: no
wonder the great sayers (who say nothing) sit
about in inaccessible states of mind: no
wonder still wisdom and catatonia appear to
exchange places occasionally: but if anything
were easy, our easy choices soon would carry
away our ignorance with the world-better
let the mixed-up mix and let the surface shine
with all the possibilities, each in itself.
Mule Song
Silver will lie where she lies
sun-out, whatever turning the world does,
longeared in her ashen, earless,
floating world:
indifferent to sores and greengage colic,
where oats need not
come to,
bleached by crystals of her trembling time:
beyond all brunt of seasons, blind
forever to all blinds,
inhabited by
brooks still she may wraith over broken
fields after winter
or roll in the rye-green fields:
old mule, no defense but a mule’s against
disease, large-ribbed,
flat-toothed, sold to a stranger, shot by a
stranger’s hand,
not my hand she nuzzled the seasoning-salt from.
Rapids
Fall's leaves are redder than
spring's flowers, have no pollen,
and also sometimes fly, as the wind
schools them out or down in shoals
or droves: though I
have not been here long, I can
look up at the sky at night and tell
how things are likely to go for
the next hundred million years:
the universe will probably not find
a way to vanish nor I
in all that time reappear.
Rogue Elephant
The reason to be autonomous is to stand there,
a cleared instrument, ready to act, to search
the moral realm and actual conditions for what
needs to be done and to do it: fine, the
best, if it works out, but if, like a gun, it
comes in handy to the wrong choice, why then
you see the danger in the effective: better
then an autonomy that stands and looks about,
negotiating nothing, the supreme indifferences:
is anything to be gained where as much is lost:
and if for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction has the loss been researched
equally with the gain: you can see how the
milling actions of millions could come to a
buzzard-like glide as from a coincidental,
warm bottom of water stuck between chilled
peaks: it is not so easy to say, OK, go on
out and act: who, doing what, to what or
whom: just a minute: should the bunker be
bombed (if it stores gas): should all the
rattlers die just because they rattle: if I
hear the young gentleman vomiter roaring down
the hall in the men's room, should I go and
inquire of him, reducing him to my care: no
wonder the great sayers (who say nothing) sit
about in inaccessible states of mind: no
wonder still wisdom and catatonia appear to
exchange places occasionally: but if anything
were easy, our easy choices soon would carry
away our ignorance with the world-better
let the mixed-up mix and let the surface shine
with all the possibilities, each in itself.
Mule Song
Silver will lie where she lies
sun-out, whatever turning the world does,
longeared in her ashen, earless,
floating world:
indifferent to sores and greengage colic,
where oats need not
come to,
bleached by crystals of her trembling time:
beyond all brunt of seasons, blind
forever to all blinds,
inhabited by
brooks still she may wraith over broken
fields after winter
or roll in the rye-green fields:
old mule, no defense but a mule’s against
disease, large-ribbed,
flat-toothed, sold to a stranger, shot by a
stranger’s hand,
not my hand she nuzzled the seasoning-salt from.
Monday, November 02, 2009
whining
Poems I wrote at different times over this year.
I'm a gangsta.
---
Instigating
How you hate to repeat yourself
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate
how you hate repetition
repetition repetition repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
hate hate hate
repetition
repetition
repetition
---
Actor
I am the queen of apologies
every sorry a blood diamond
from the war torn land of me
set into a crown of thorns.
I am a whore
the cheapest in the world
never tired, never sore
you can have me for a tune
dispoable pieces of you
looks, lies, and sketches
haircuts and confessions
I am a natural cure
for your every ache and pain
a back rub every day
you won't have to see my face.
I am my mother
biggest martyr of them all
against a wall, on a stage
how artfully I waste away.
---
Immigration
"Who needs maple leaves and hockey, anyway?"
I do, I do, I do I do I do
I stood in lines
made xerox copies of my life
signed each one from a vein
and sent it all away
a request for rejection
the past lingers like paperwork
A girl, a government,
is there no level at which I cannot fail?
---
I'm a gangsta.
---
Instigating
How you hate to repeat yourself
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate
how you hate repetition
repetition repetition repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
hate hate hate
repetition
repetition
repetition
---
Actor
I am the queen of apologies
every sorry a blood diamond
from the war torn land of me
set into a crown of thorns.
I am a whore
the cheapest in the world
never tired, never sore
you can have me for a tune
dispoable pieces of you
looks, lies, and sketches
haircuts and confessions
I am a natural cure
for your every ache and pain
a back rub every day
you won't have to see my face.
I am my mother
biggest martyr of them all
against a wall, on a stage
how artfully I waste away.
---
Immigration
"Who needs maple leaves and hockey, anyway?"
I do, I do, I do I do I do
I stood in lines
made xerox copies of my life
signed each one from a vein
and sent it all away
a request for rejection
the past lingers like paperwork
A girl, a government,
is there no level at which I cannot fail?
---
life support
I am mourning for my dead selves. Also new live album by the Perrytree. We recorded it on a car ride home from seeing our friend Rob in Pennsylvania.
Aaron Carr - by the Perrytree
Free Free Free
Aaron Carr - by the Perrytree
Free Free Free
Monday, October 26, 2009
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