bunbun

blessed.

from Oct 22


Me: i got blessed by a tibetan monk last time i was in canada

Bird Doctor::
That's really awesome

Me: oh lord
9:40 PM
well, actually

the tibetan monk thing

Bird Doctor:: You made it up, didn't you

Me: was part of this wandering exhibit of buddhist relics

ok, get this

Bird Doctor:: I see where this is gooing

A monk in a wax museum.

Me: when a big important spiritual leader in the buddhist faith- whatever the tibetan sect of that is

Bird Doctor:: Tracy in a monk-costume..

Me: no!!!

this is real!!!
9:41 PM
when one of the dudes dies

Bird Doctor:: sorry. attending

Me: he's cremated and they go through the ashes and find these "relics"

and they look like little stones

like gems kind of

and they have them

traveling around

i mean they travel with them

and display them

and they have them in little cases
9:42 PM
and you purify a statue (symbolic for yourself) with this yellow blessed safron water (looks like pee)

and you look at these like... ash stones (one of which was donated by the dalai lama and came from the original buddha, i guess)

and then you go to this monk guy

who has some of the relics in this like

golden dildo

and he puts it on your head

and mumbles words you don't understand
9:43 PM
and for me it seemed like he went way long with the mumbles

and after i was, to tracie, i was like "man, he spent a long time on me it seemed- i wonder if he detected my gayness"

and she laughed for like 15 minutes
9:44 PM
and the whole thing is all about like promoting metta (loving-kindness), but also the donations go to building this giant buddha statue in india or something

and that just makes me think of that quote about god waiting for his kingdom to be build of love, but man only brings stones

but it gave me a lot of inspiration for my thesis
9:45 PM
and tracie and i had a big fight that night, so so much for loving-kindness


Bird Doctor:: You crack me up.

orthostatic hypertension

I've been getting these head rushes every time I stand up. It's been going on for about 6 or 7 months. I think most people have had this experience at one time or another, but I have it a few times a day, especially if I get out of a hot bath. My peripheral vision can go fuzzy, and sometimes nearly everything goes dark. It doesn't last very long, but it can be very strange. Just now I got out of the bathtub and I had to hold onto the door frame waiting for my blood pressure to normalize. All i could do was look at the floor. It looked like this...



As you know or can imagine, there's not a lot you can think about at these moments, but once you've got your blood right, maybe thoughts occur to you, sort of euphoric thoughts. This time i looked at my bathroom that I've had forever, my yellow towel that I've had even longer, and my feet that I've had for even longer than that. It occurred to me that this is all that there's ever been. My feet and my towel and my bathroom. And all that other shit that I've been compulsively thinking about- particularly a recent loss- what was that, really? Why is that more real, more pressing, more necessary to think about than my yellow towel, which i use every day, which has outlasted all the hardships and joys of my adult life, and which will see me through many more years.

And in a more immediate sense, in the zen sense, there was my towel, my floor, my feet. That's all. And I really felt it for that moment. And it was a great comfort to me. Or something that subverted the need for comfort. Obviously it passed, since I had to hold on to that moment by writing about it. Standing up has become a fucking adventure, though. One time I simultaneously stood and stretched my arms above my head, and i fainted.

this is the kind of shit i blog about

I was in the ER a month ago waiting for four hours to get my head checked out because an old lady tried to kill me with her car. My friend Cassidy came to wait with me and interested me in buying some chips from the vending machine there. These were doritos, but not ordinary doritos, because they came in a black bag. A black bag of mystery and majesty for i soon found out that they were the greatest of all doritos. In fact, they were the greatest of all possible chips. They were doritos late night last call jalapeño popper chips, and ever since then I thought I wouldn't be able to find them again without suffering a ER-worthy disease or injury.

HOWEVER! I found a bag today at the dairy-mart in german village, and for that reason I am staving off suicide another day or two.


I'm not really suicidal. Relax.

how to

My latest coping device:

car shoppers

4:58 PM
Mrs. Beef: you you you

me: me me me
5:00 PM
Mrs. Beef: i i i !

me: whooooooooooooooooooooop

Mrs. Beef: so how long you gonna be in t?

me: i don't know, i haven't gotten a car yet

if i get one, thursday and friday
5:01 PM
Mrs. Beef: wow, what you looking at?
5:02 PM
me: cheap ones

Mrs. Beef: well that doesn't help!

me: cheap shitty shit ones
5:06 PM
Mrs. Beef: like a yugo?

me: like a corvere

corvair

Mrs. Beef: get a delorean

me: those are expensive!
5:07 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/DeLorean-STAGE-II-DMC-12-STAGE-II-AUTOMATIC-REMANUFACTURED-IN-2005-BY-DMC_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem25571a175dQQitemZ160375117661QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks

not really
5:08 PM
me: yeysyeysyes

Mrs. Beef: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Other-Makes-Yugo-GVL-gvl-Nick-and-Norahs-Infinite-Playlist-1988-Yugo-NO-RESERVE_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem3357038982QQitemZ220503181698QQptZUSQ5fCarsQ5fTrucks

really cheap!
5:10 PM
http://www.auto-classics.net/files/79ElCamino.jpg
5:11 PM
me: http://upload.moldova.org/auto/Nissan/Nissan_Micra_Barbie_Car.jpg

Mrs. Beef: *pukes

me: http://www.gearfuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/ford_021c_1-500x333.jpg
5:12 PM
http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/04/air-car-1.jpg

Mrs. Beef: i thnk i found the Shadoobie!

http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z23/shah-ber-naq/weird-car-wings.jpg

me: holy shit
5:13 PM
this is the one i really want

http://wwwcache.wral.com/asset/news/news_briefs/2009/09/03/5930649/IMG_0366-600x370.jpg
5:14 PM
i hope they let me test drive it first

Mrs. Beef: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_eYuBnGdWJ8s/R8E4kQMXSVI/AAAAAAAAAHw/Bt2wmnxyk9g/s400/24.jpeg might want to have a mechanic check this one first before buying

me: this one's my second choice

http://citizented.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/shit_car.jpg
5:15 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://www.guzer.com/pictures/weird_car_wreck.jpg this one has a couple dings, but i bet the engine is still great

me: this is the car i've always dreamed of

http://r2v2.com/smart-car-frame2.jpg
5:16 PM
Mrs. Beef: pretty

very existential

me: this one has such low mileage! like it's never been driven!

http://www.chinatraderonline.com/Files/Gifts-and-Crafts/Clock/Desk-Clock/Steering-wheel-Clock-21571115120.jpg
5:18 PM
Mrs. Beef: http://rightproadvisors.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/horse-drawn-car1.jpg

me: oh i bet the inssurance for that one would be very low
5:19 PM
Mrs. Beef: so low.

me: i've also been looking into some european options

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jun2007/GrandPrixRollerBlades.jpg
5:20 PM
i think if i act fast, i can have this one paid off by 2015 http://www.york.ac.uk/depts/maths/histstat/people/bayes_grave.gif
5:21 PM
Mrs. Beef: hm, that one looks like a death trap.

me: this one comes in new OR used

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xPRJcY91HB4/SVjlbD76HbI/AAAAAAAAAHM/KVyuaB6gUWg/s400/tiger-and-piglets-two.jpg
5:22 PM
Mrs. Beef: i forgot to tell you

me: also a japanese choice

http://www.mariowiki.com/images/thumb/d/d6/MKwii_Redshell.jpg/200px-MKwii_Redshell.jpg

Mrs. Beef: we're dating again

http://lifeboat.com/images/sad.lady.jpg
5:23 PM
me: oh, that's good

we should go on a double date

i just met my future wife

http://broadcatching.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/teabag-cox.jpg
5:24 PM
here's us on sweetest day

http://www.motorcyclenews.com/ImgGalleryTn/11/329111/86308_287722.jpg

Mrs. Beef: i totally had to dump my previous gf for her.
5:25 PM
http://www.davidchatt.com/web_images/Blog/2007/oct/bali/lady.jpg
5:26 PM
me: you know this may be surprising to you

but i finally made the transition to dating men last week

this is my boyfreind

http://www.mengsbizarreadventure.com/uploads/Albino.jpg

his name is Rod

Mrs. Beef: i had to drop this one, because she was too much into PDA http://www.rafahtoday.org/newsphotos/07/october/20/palestinian%20lady%20weeping.jpg

asian! i like. you know i like.

i mean, i rike.
5:27 PM
me: i've been seeing this sweet young honey on the side

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2389/1658601143_9ad118482f.jpg

Mrs. Beef: mmmm i'm stealin' her
5:28 PM
me: this is my favourite fucking game ever

i laughed my fuck sack off

Mrs. Beef: hahahah
5:29 PM
mine too

me: i want to put it on my blog

moving right along

A R Ammons is my favorite.

Rapids

Fall's leaves are redder than
spring's flowers, have no pollen,
and also sometimes fly, as the wind
schools them out or down in shoals
or droves: though I
have not been here long, I can
look up at the sky at night and tell
how things are likely to go for
the next hundred million years:
the universe will probably not find
a way to vanish nor I
in all that time reappear.


Rogue Elephant

The reason to be autonomous is to stand there,
a cleared instrument, ready to act, to search

the moral realm and actual conditions for what
needs to be done and to do it: fine, the

best, if it works out, but if, like a gun, it
comes in handy to the wrong choice, why then

you see the danger in the effective: better
then an autonomy that stands and looks about,

negotiating nothing, the supreme indifferences:
is anything to be gained where as much is lost:

and if for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction has the loss been researched

equally with the gain: you can see how the
milling actions of millions could come to a

buzzard-like glide as from a coincidental,
warm bottom of water stuck between chilled

peaks: it is not so easy to say, OK, go on
out and act: who, doing what, to what or

whom: just a minute: should the bunker be
bombed (if it stores gas): should all the

rattlers die just because they rattle: if I
hear the young gentleman vomiter roaring down

the hall in the men's room, should I go and
inquire of him, reducing him to my care: no

wonder the great sayers (who say nothing) sit
about in inaccessible states of mind: no

wonder still wisdom and catatonia appear to
exchange places occasionally: but if anything

were easy, our easy choices soon would carry
away our ignorance with the world-better

let the mixed-up mix and let the surface shine
with all the possibilities, each in itself.


Mule Song

Silver will lie where she lies
sun-out, whatever turning the world does,
longeared in her ashen, earless,
floating world:
indifferent to sores and greengage colic,
where oats need not
come to,
bleached by crystals of her trembling time:
beyond all brunt of seasons, blind
forever to all blinds,
inhabited by
brooks still she may wraith over broken
fields after winter
or roll in the rye-green fields:
old mule, no defense but a mule’s against
disease, large-ribbed,
flat-toothed, sold to a stranger, shot by a
stranger’s hand,
not my hand she nuzzled the seasoning-salt from.

whining

Poems I wrote at different times over this year.
I'm a gangsta.

---

Instigating

How you hate to repeat yourself
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate
how you hate repetition
repetition repetition repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
how you hate repetition
hate hate hate
repetition
repetition
repetition


---

Actor

I am the queen of apologies
every sorry a blood diamond
from the war torn land of me
set into a crown of thorns.
I am a whore
the cheapest in the world
never tired, never sore
you can have me for a tune
dispoable pieces of you
looks, lies, and sketches
haircuts and confessions
I am a natural cure
for your every ache and pain
a back rub every day
you won't have to see my face.
I am my mother
biggest martyr of them all
against a wall, on a stage
how artfully I waste away.

---

Immigration

"Who needs maple leaves and hockey, anyway?"
I do, I do, I do I do I do
I stood in lines
made xerox copies of my life
signed each one from a vein
and sent it all away
a request for rejection
the past lingers like paperwork
A girl, a government,
is there no level at which I cannot fail?


---

life support

I am mourning for my dead selves. Also new live album by the Perrytree. We recorded it on a car ride home from seeing our friend Rob in Pennsylvania.


Aaron Carr - by the Perrytree
Free Free Free

Going on internet hiatus.

because.